25 December : the day my dad left us

Everyone in the world know that 25 Dezember is Christmas or Weihnachten, except those who still dok kat hutan la..

But for me, it's the day seorang insan bernama Abdul Rahim b Hj Salleh left us to Rahmatullah..this person was my dad. He died in 2002 just 2-3weeks before aku berangkat menimba ilmu kat cn..

now it has been 3years since he gone..today, this special entry is dedicated to ayah.

first of all,, let me ceghita a bit about his life ok..

• my dad was borned on 01.05.1946. about 1 year after ww2 ended, of which that date is later known as Hari Buruh..(tp aku xsure since when)
• he was raised as normal kg boy..living in Tasek Junjong, Seberang Perai.anak bongsu from 4 siblings..went to primary school (tp aku x tau skolah ape..camle korang tau skolah parents korang) tp what i do know is dia hari2 jln 5-6km pgblk to school..basikal i think later br dia dpt
• secondary at Bukit Mertajam High School kat Perai gak..premier school just like Penang Free School n MCKK.. cume x femes sgt je
• smbg blaja kat Maktab Perguruan Kota Bahru , Kelantan.(i'm not too sure tp kat Ktan la)to be cikgu BM..well u know..zaman dl saper jd cikgu mmg org pndg tinggi laa..apetah lg cikgu besar..it's just bapak aku nie pendek jer org nyer..(aku je yg tinggi..dpt genetik moyang aku..people said)
• kawen ngan my mom in 1970 atas pilihan famili..mak aku br 20years old time tuh.hmm dah kene kawen..
• sepanjang diorang bersama,inila resultnyer: kak aishah(1971),daud (1974) me(1982) n peah(1990)..jarak kitorang agak jauh laa..
• taught bm at various schools..last 2 schools is srjk(t) bukit mertajam, n srjk(t) perai..i know dat sbb aku dah ade kat dunia ni..tp heran laa..apsal bapak aku nie suka sgt ngajar kat skolah india.. maybe edu.dept kot letak dia kat situ..
• retired early in 1997 soon after kak aishah grad medic kat um..kata nye nak buat kebun laa, ladang laa..but sadly die x smpt tgk hasilnye..nnt la aku usahakan blk ladang kelapa sawit yg agak terbiar tuh..dusun toksah ckp laa..x nak beli kat tepi jln.nak sendirinyer..
• in 2000-01doktor found out dat my dad ade kanser usus or sumwhere between perut n usus..slalu la lepak kl kat (previously)umah kak aishah nak berubat..doktor kate diorang pakai ubat chemo yg br.. tp xde beza pon aku tgk..ok kejap jer pastu kene admit blk..badan yg dl berisi dah jd kurus..i was even surprised to see him at dat way..cam org x mkn..ekceli mmg pon since bl mkn sumer muntah blk,harapkn simple food yg easily digestable nak beri tenaga..Allah jer yg tau betapa sayunyer aku tgk ayah aku camtu although dl mmg hate him
• before this dia mmg ade sakit lemah jantung pon..slalu lepak kat IJN tu..tp,he passed away sbb kanser la on 25 December 2002

my dad was known as seorang yg sgt garang..kat umah, dialah raja..jgn la mandai2 bangkang ckp dia..when no, that means absolute no.

tp biler dah naik remaja, dah reti skit( biasala..semangat remaja) i fought for my freedom (eceh..cam dlm Braveheart lak), my teenage life wasn't a sweet one..

when i was a kid..i saw my dad gaduh ngan my bro..then few years later it was my turn. we're like fire meet fire..xle jumpa..(bro..sowee if u're against me writing this) ..

after all we are our dad's sons. received good genetics as well as bad one.(my bro received his stubbornness n me his bad temper tahap dewa tp karang x lg dah la..jgn la pulak korang lari dr aku nnt).

apart from dat,my dad is very bertanggungjawab n rajin..x penah la aku skali pon lapar..(lapar twisties tu lain laa)

every morning he wokes up early pehtu muncul kat kedai nak beli NST n beli makanan..kl ari skolah tu(time aku still primary) dia smpt nak beli bihun or nasi lemak je buat bekal..ye laa dia pon nak pg keje..

tp bile weekend jer..haaa amik ko..nasi bungkus lauk kari ayam or nasi lemak 7-8 bungkus pehtu roti canai berlapis2..manader famili lain bl breakfast je terus bantai nasi stail nak mkn tghhari..

but thanks to my mom's genetik kurus, aku xde la gemuk ala2 Giant dlm citer Doraemon or budak dlm citer Bad Santa although mkn cam x penah jumpe nasi.

he was also byk ilmu n up-to-date gak..ye la kl dah ari2 bc NST..BI die pon ok tp cos sumer takut, so xde saper nak blaja pape or practice BI ngan die.

aku nie disuruh bc NST slalu, tp alih2 aku bc komik kat NST jer or ruangan TV hari ini..
(eheh..tp turnout BI aku not so bad la..comics pon dlm BI so kire blaja la gak tu)
my mom ekceli fedup ngan dia so kekadang dia beli Utusan or BHarian..horee


~last days of his life~

i remember time raya akhir 2002..not sure whether still posa or dah raya..i was in living room watching tv when my dad came out of his room n said dat dia nak gik toilet..

he walked slowly with one hand on the wall so that dia bole jln. i starred at him kalau2 dia jatuh ke pe..tp bile smp depan toilet je, aleh2 lantai dah basah..sbb dah xde bladder control..

i nak tolong tp since my mom was there so she helped him n cleaned up the mess..

sedih gak la time tu to see that ur once powerful man of the house tetibe jd camni (read: remember this part cos it'll play its roll later on)

after raya my sis, her hubby n i blk to kl to resume our work..i had things to settle on too..few weeks later my mom called n told us dat ayah masuk hospital blk..so kami gegas la blk penang..

we spend 2-3 days there..then on the day kitorang nak blk..(well my sis decided to stay for a while so her hubby n i je blk kl) nak visit ayah kat hospital..we didn't talked much..dia pon x larat nak ckp..at least aku jengok la dia..

but ayah did ask me bile nak pg jerman..and i replied: "dlm awal januari ni,,passport dah siap..tunggu visa je lg".. he could still remember bout that (read: not sure bile fly but around dat date)..x lama pastu bile kitorang nak blk kl i salam and cium tgn dia( the 1st n last time i did dat)
(read:remember this part too)


~die pergi jua akhirnya~

on 25 December..ye la cuti kann..so ptg tuh tu rasa boring so nak kuar..buat my sis ckp dont go..i asked why..dia ckp mlm nie kite nak blk ..mak br call ayah tgh nazak..so i stayed..

that night bile kitorang tgh siap nak berangkat..my sis's hp fon bunyi around 9:00pm..and later kak went out of her room n said to me : " hapis..ayah dah x dak dah tau"..

i showed no reaction as if nothing happened..we went back to penang..sumer senyap jerr..in car i sms everybody to tell dat ayah has passed away..bile smp umah around 1am..rumah senyap jer..org yg dtg awal td sumer dah blk except close famili..

i went to his room n watched ayah's lifeless body atas katil covered with kain..i then sedekah surah for him.. my bro n his famili smp subuh..

~the next day~

on the next day ayah dimandikan kt umah gak..i helped to prepare brg2 mandi..u know..kapur barus, limau kasturi etc..

i still didn't show any sad emotion..then after dimandikan..he was wrapped with kain putih except head..

then org masjid said; "sumer ahli keluarga dia yg nak cium dia utk kl terakhir boleh buat skarang" ..starting from my mom n then us siblings..i saw kak aishah already cried kat blk near ruang tamu nie..

n when my turn came..i kissed forehead ayah..'tupp' .. the moment my lips touched his forehead..air mata terus mengalir,,terus rasa sebak n i ran to the kitchen as noboby was there..

i cried for the 1st time sengsorang kat situ..after that i pulled myself out..wiped out my tears so dat nobody realises n then joined the crowd back..

he was then disembahyangkan.i was quite surprised dat ramai sgt org turned up kat masjid, td kat rumah x ramai camtu.. later i was told dat ade jugak kematian kat tmpt lain dat day..so sumer yg dtg stayed kat mesjid to pray for ayah pulak..."ayah sgt beruntung" i said..

during pengebumian i actually turun kat lubang tu to help put ayah to his final resting place.. kite sumer pon last2 nak tinggal kat situ jugak kan while waiting for kiamat.


~since then~

maybe some of you wondered if i ever think of my father since we had a not-so-nice father-son relationship..

i always do..but so far there were 3 times that i really2 cried whenever i remember him

first : everything was going fine till after 3 weeks after aku smp jerman nie..

one night i had a dream..in that dream i saw my father came out from his room to go to toilet..exactly the same situation that i told u earlier..(read : last days of his life)..

but this time he looked terribly awful..i wanted to helped him so dat i can papah him to toilet but i couldn't..

i felt like i couldn't move n just watch him from afar..sedih sgt time tu dat cried in my dream..when i woke up i realised dat my tears was still shedding..which means i betul2 cry in reality while still dreaming..


second : i already started actual class kat ulm nie when one day i had another dream..

this time the situation is the one when i visited ayah for the last time at the hospital..(read: last days of his life)

everything was also exactly the same..only that..when its time to say goodbye..i salam him and then he hugged me.. i was so shocked but nevertheless sad to know that he really loves me..

i shed my tears in my dream..u know whatt....yess.. air mata betul2 ngalir..terharu pon ade..

then aku bgn to start my everyday life..bgn pg, gosok gigi, mandi n stuff like that.. tetibe je for one sec .. i asked my self..hari ni hari ape?..

then..haahhhhhh.... today is 1st May.. ayah's besday...

what was that dream all about?? why did i have this dream on this particular day?? was roh ayah really came into my dream to meet his son?? bole ke camtu? i couldn't help but felt keesaan Allah that day

third : this one x de mimpi paper..it was just one morning i woke up n teringat pasal ayah..

n i remembered all the rude n stupid things dat i have while he was still alive..rasa berdosa sgt time tu.. so jd la blk drama swasta..ehhe.. menangis x berlagu kata org..

nak buat camner..i cannot turn back time..

i called mak n citer everything dgn suara tersebak2.. terasa penyesalan x terbatas tahap 7 petala langit.. i told mak how much i wanted to meet him again n mintak maaf..

you see..ayah had a quarrel wit one of his sisters n was impolite (people said so) to her mother.. tp dat last raya diorang berbaik semula n sempat mintak ampun to her mom..n when he died, he passed away so easily tanpa sebarang rasa sakit n his burial went on without much problem..

so i was thinking wat will happen to me nnt when my time comes..dat is one reason sbb ape i felt soo guilty. then mak calmly replied dat before ayah left, he said he forgives us for everything.. n he is so proud us four..

when i heard she said dat..my feelings were all mixed up.. lg sedih, terharu, lega, etc..

she added that if i missed him so much,,so sedekahla yassin for him,, dats at least we can do..


both my atuks passed away long before i was born.. so i never know how it feels to have a atuk-cucu relationsship through the eyes of cucu..

i had tok Yah jer (ayah's mom), tu pon tok yah nie x sporting pon eheh..(btw she passed away raya br2 nie.. so alfatihah to her too ,1912-2005) n my father-son relationship pon x bagus sgt.

becos of dat..i sumtimes do get jealous whenever i watch films yg memaparkan kisah suka duka pasal atuk-ayah-anak that have hepi endings..

well.. bende yg lepas biarlah berlalu..there is nothing dat we can do about it (unless kuar lg sorang Einstein gik cipta time machine) except ambil iktibar from it..

so i promised myself a lot that when it's my turn to be a dad or atuk, i wont mess it up.. ever.. i will give my children/grandchildren the best a dad/atuk can offer..peace!! owhh..luper..1stly kene la buat anak dulu..eheh

so for everyone out there yg still hv mom& daddy..hargailah everymoment yg korang ade dgn diorang..u'll never know when will the last time u can ever meet them.. or they meet u

p/s : while there're a lot of people out there yg lg bernasib malang dr aku, at least dis is sumthing that happened to me... it's not my intention to meraih belas ihsan sesape..just sumthing yg aku nak citer, nak luahkan isi hati..orait??